This is not very me but..

 

Sitting here for the last 20mins after lunch. Listening to 🎶🎵 Feeling so Emo since morning. 😰

Holding On

Sorry I'm losing faith in LOVE. Not the LOVE on its own which is pure, free of expectation and unconditional. But the LOVE between the 2 people who are not blood related. 

I know my posts nowadays are so depressing. But it also accurately describes my day to day life right now. 

The only consolation is that I could stay occupied with work, study and friends. So that I can keep my mind off thinking. I try to be busy just so that I don't allow myself to be thinking. 

But night times are difficult. I can't study at night. Too tried for it. I go to bed early cuz I usually have early morning - I don't like the mad rush before work. I want my calm, peaceful mornings. So that's the time when I'm in bed, before falling asleep, feeling sad, cold and alone. 

Today it just made me wonder. The two hands that held each other pre, during and post wedding, will it ever last holding on to each other until the end of time? Regardless of how good or bad the life situation might be, if there is a little kindness for one another, well, it would be possible. But it's also very likely that - like everything else in life - our mind and heart are capable of change.

May be that's the time we let go. 

Life is tough. It might test you in ways you could never have imagined. It will be easy to let go rather than to hang on weathering through challenges. It might just take one chance to let go cuz in most of the times, it is the easier way out. Which is also why holding on to each other and not letting the other to get away is so much more important and definitely so much harder.

But at the end of the day, when you know the test is over, you still have each other to lean on for the rest of your life and find solace in one another. Because when we get really old, and when we realize money is not all that matters, we will know comfort is the single most important thing in life and that comfort can only come from someone who loves you.

So, remember, don't let the loved one go.

Yoga

I've been joining the  yoga class recently mostly to occupy times for myself and also to take some things off my mind. 

It gives me a chance to forget about how shitty my life has become within the past few month. The 1.5 hours of calm and thoughtless mind really gives me the peace of mind I needed. 

Intuition

 

Yup that's me. I think this is also one of the traits that I have that scares most people away. 

Not to be snobbish or anything. I'm highly observant on things and my intuition works wonders.

I read people's mind through facial expressions and most of the time I'm right. Especially when there's something wrong and someone tries to hide it. I would just know! 

I used to be one who speaks her mind. But over time, I learn to realize that there are things that are best left unsaid. 

Guess we just grow more mature as life throws curve balls at you. 

Self

Be good to yourself when no one else is good to you.

Take care of yourself when no one else does. 

The last thing you should be is going down the spiral of self destructive mode. 

As I was told many times and here's a reminder to self:

'Always look at things on a brighter side'

 

The day you left me..

While you are away..

Do you know that I'm barely hanging on,.?

Not a night went without me thinking ' How could you? '.. ' Why me? '...' What have I done to deserve this?..'..

Obviously and unfortunately, I do not have answer to any of these.

The bed was too big, too cold.. and the house, too quiet.

I hated coming home to an empty house. I miss being with the family and loved ones, the happy times.. I hated preparing food for one cuz it just make me feel so alone...

I am hungry for love, care and concern and disappointed at how you no longer have any of those to offer..

I wish you remembered I have married you for love, loyalty, fulfilling life with a happy family and travel around the world with you when we reach our retirement age...

I wish you didn't forget the dreams we have had together.. I hope we didn't let go of each other's hand this easily..

I wish we don't treat each other like strangers and feel weird even to be talking to each other.

I wish we were more loving, gave each other more hugs and kisses and spend more cuddle time..

I wish we comfort each other during our most vulnerable state of mind and be there for each other..

I wish you have not changed.. into this new person that I no longer able to understand. 

Care

These quotes on Instagram has been such spot-ons with what I'm currently going through.

They just speak my mind like they read my soul, it's freaky. Guess there's many other people in the world who is or has gone through what I'm going through. 

To those strangers who are in the similar situation like mine, here's a hug for you cuz I know you needed one just like me. 

The heart wants want it wants.

Major relating to this song right now. 

Upgrading myself

After leaving Citi in Mar 2015, I've joined my aunt in her company which was doing manufacturing business in timber. I did enjoy my stay there cuz it's a family business and day in and day out you work with the people who familiar with since young. They are naturally warm and kind.

But in Feb this year, an opportunity was given to me for a job in a bank in Myanmar. Banking was my forte cuz I've been in the banking environment for the last 11 years, although I hated some political aspect of a corporate world, I still have a lot of confidence in my skill-set and knowledge in banking. Also, KBZ has been expanding their business to bring itself to an international level. they needed some professionals who preferably had the global experience. So I thought why don't I try out something that I've already familiarized with for decades. My aunt was supportive of the idea too. She told me that although it's her loss to let me go, she will be happy to see me succeed in an area which I truly belong. With the slight negotiation for pay and compensation package, I left my aunt's business for KBZ Bank on 1 Mar 2016.

It's been 4 months and 11 days so far. The work is still manageable and I still have the luxury to come in at 9:30am and go home by 4:30pm. So I thought of going for an upgrade in my qualification. I only did my bachelor's degree in Singapore and did not pursue further studies cuz working life in Citi was kinda stressful and I found it hard for me to go for masters course while I work full-time. I also wouldn't want to take the bank's sponsorship cuz it will mean that I will be bonded again for another couple of years and I don't know if that was the right choice then cuz I was already planning to come back to Myanmar to be with the husband. Which I thought now I might as well did, cuz staying in yangon is not all that dream come true after all. Long story. read in another post.

I've been planning to go for a masters degree since I arrived in yangon. But I've been lazy to go find out the entrance procedures. And the time wasn't right for me I guess.. So last year I didn't apply for that. The uni only calls for applications once a year and this year I'm going to apply! I'm already taking the preparation course for the GMAT exam since last month. The exam date is now set! 14th Aug 2016. I better be ready for it! 

 

Okay random picture of me on the way to the class. Haha. Usually I'm early and the class before mine doesn't get released till nearly 2:30pm so I wait in the car. Esp when it's raining there's no place for us to stand around and wait. At least I have the car air-conditioned and a radio to keep me entertained. 

 

Okay another one taken a couple of weeks ago. 

More of me

Okay since I have more time to myself and I need something to stay distracted, I will frequently update this space. In the way to also vent cuz sometimes I just have too many thoughts going on in my head, I feel like it's exploding if I didn't write down or to tell someone else.

But since I feel that everyone else is also busy with their lives, I shall not go disturb my friends or family. I don't want them to feel sorry for me cuz it's my problem, I should suck it up.

Writing here is like writing to a wall where no one reads, haha.. But still it doesn't matter cuz I just want to get it off my chest.

Only when I need some comforting words, I talk to my close friends who I know I can tell anything and they will listen without judgement and they give constructive unbiased feedback.

For now, you'll see more of me here. Pls don't judge.

Life in Solidarity

I was never the type who will shut the world out to be emo. I am rather happy go lucky type always surrounded by the people - either friends or family. Ever since I moved back from Singapore, my life revolves around the husband. He practically is my only family. I have very little friends left in Myanmar. So, it's true that I needed more attention from him, more than what he could give me. But I was never unreasonable. If you know me, you'd know that I'm not an unreasonable sort, I'm the most flexible and rational among the group of friends.

Mar 2016 marked my 1 year in Yangon and all I have experience was neglects, lonely days and nights. I used to think it's okay to be busy with work for the weekdays, but on weekends, I thought we could have time for ourselves you know, hang out, have our meals together. It wasn't so distinct, but gradually he's moved to on planning his business stuffs even on weekends. So, we have zero time for ourselves.

There definitely are unspoken issues, which I can never try to talk to him because he either ends up getting angry or become unresponsive.

I think I have had enough of this dunno-how-to-call-this situation.

I need to get away from this agony too. Why is his feeling the most important thing in the world? Why is his life the most pitiable and saddest? How about mine? How about the life and dreams that I've given up to be with him? How about all of my youth years being with him, supporting him, loving him and caring for him? Do they not mean a thing to him anymore?

It's time I take care of myself, love myself and not be too hard on myself. There should still be life without him caring for me. I should stay strong to support myself.

I've tried showing him the most vulnerable part of me, sharing him with the heartfelt notes I've written years ago while he was away. There was no response or reaction from him. Seems like he's indifferent to my feelings. Basically, it just feels like he wants nothing to do with me.

At many occasions, he has stated that he's too stressed with work and he needed a break away from everything, including me.

He doesn't seem to be able to draw a line between work stress and healthy marriage.

I've been broken, hurt and tired for way too long.. 
I will lock myself in solidarity for now. That's the best for me I think.